Mexico and Me

I am in a relationship with Mexico.  In fact, I think it would be safe to say that I am falling in love with Mexico.  Yes, Mexico, the land of beaches and whale-sharks and zip-lining through jungles.  The land of chicken feet and stray dogs and dog poop all over the side-walks.  We have learned and laughed and grown together, the two of us, and I doubt that the lessons I have learned about myself from Mexico will ever be forgotten.  It is true....I love you, Mexico.

Now, when I say that I love Mexico, and that I love living in Mexico, it is not the same kind of unadulterated love that I have for, say, sunshine and baby animals and Christmas morning.  The kind of love I have for Mexico is more close to the kind of love you develop in real relationships...the kind of love that is born out of sacrifice, hard work, and growing pains.  Despite what my Instagram posts may suggest, my summer in Mexico has not simply been a summer of practicing yoga on the beach, swimming with whale sharks, and posing for pictures with darling ninos.  It was not a blissful three months where everything was easy and nobody cried and everyone laughed and loved and sang along to the Mexican music together.  No....my summer in Mexico was a summer of growth.  And as with all growing experiences or relationships, it was not without struggle.  There were nights when I cried (yes, like a small child) because I missed my family and friends.  There were days when I lost my patience (I did, I lost it) with the group of ninos who I grew to love but who were, I must say it, some very, very naught ninos. Adjusting to a new culture was not easy, and adjusting to the bacteria of a new country was hard on my body and I got sick more than normal.  In my life I have learned that when we sacrifice and work for something, that something means more to us, and because of this, Mexico (or, more accurately, the people of Mexico) mean much more to me now than it did three months ago.  So, yes, I love Mexico, but not because my summer in Mexico was perfect.

Speaking of perfection, that is something I learned a lot about this summer.....okay maybe what I mean to say is that I learned a lot about imperfection....and to be more specific...my imperfection (gasp!).  Yes, it is true, in the pressure cooker of what was my summer in Mexico, there were many situations where I made mistakes.  I made mistakes.  Ouch, that hurts to say, doesn't it?  Or is it just me?  Am I the only person out there who has a distaste for that little part of life called "facing my weakness"?  I'll admit it, it is just not one of my favorite past times.  I don't like to make a habit of sitting down with Kristy and taking inventory of all of the ways that I fall short and all of the ways that I don't completely fulfill my potential here on earth.  And yet, Mexico gave me ample opportunity to do just that.  In fact, it wasn't really a matter of choice, life just kind of made my weaknesses a lot more obvious to me over those three months.  It was as if life took me by the shoulders, guided me to a full length, magnified mirror, and said, "Look!  Behold, your humanity!!".

One of the things that I learned about myself this summer is that I am a very loud person.  Now I kind of knew this before, but like I said, Mexico had a way of making these sorts of things very obvious to me, and while I am not sure if this particular quality is a weakness or a strength, or some weird mixture of both, it is nevertheless very true about me.  I am loud.  It is true.  I speak loudly, I sing loudly, I laugh loudly.  Along with that, I have recently found that when I mess up, I mess up loudly.  Part of me wishes that I could be the sort of person who would trip and fall flat on her face, but then get up and keep walking as if nothing had happened, stone-faced and therefore dissipating any more attention than had already been drawn to her blunder.  No, that is not me.  I am the girl that falls on her face and precedes to stand back up and yell out, "Hey! Holy COW!  I just fell flat on my face! Did you SEE that??" And then laughs (loudly) about it afterward.  I don't know, maybe this blog post is me yelling out again, but regardless, I feel compelled to post this.  And maybe it's another weakness of mine, but communicating with other people about my experiences is the number one way I get through things.  I make sound.

So, here it is.  This is me telling you that I'm not perfect.  I am not a perfect person, I am not a perfect travel buddy, I am not a perfect roommate, I am not a perfect teacher of English to naughty ninos.  I am just not.  I am flawed.  I am oh so very flawed.  Sometimes I yell when I get mad and sometimes I laugh when I should cry (or cry when I should laugh).  Sometimes people don't enjoy being around me, and sometimes with good cause.  Sometimes I do not look pretty.  Sometimes the camera catches my thighs at just the right angle and I look obese.  Sometimes I get pimples, and sometimes I don't shower.  Sometimes I swear.  Sometimes I do not immediately forgive.  And sometimes I do not feel like doing one. Damn. Thing.  So, sometimes I mindlessly scroll through social media for hours.  The funny thing about all this is that all of these sins I am confessing are not particularly bad....they are, however, particularly human.  It's as if my perfectionistic ways (perfectionism is yet another, but hopefully soon to be former, weakness of mine) were keeping my head in the clouds, and Mexico pulled me back down to earth. (Bumping into somebody). "Oh! Hello!  Are you human, too?  Is this what earth feels like beneath my feet?  Oh, you mean perfectionism had my head in the clouds?  Wow.  Things are so much clearer down here, with my weaknesses."  And what a glorious summer it has been....precisely because it has not been perfect, and because I have not been perfect.  Having these realizations this summer brought me to that place to which all of us have been, where I become keenly aware of just how pathetic my current state is, and just  how greatly I need my God.  This summer humbled me.  And of course, this is what Christ was talking about when He asked us to offer "a broken heart and a contrite spirit" instead of animal sacrifices.  I know a little bit more of what He meant by that now, after my summer in Mexico.  My heart was literally broken by the reality of just how human I am...just how not good I am, without Him.  And in this place of desperation, I sought Him more earnestly, I read my scriptures more frequently, and as a result I felt His spirit more fully.

I suppose I will conclude how I began -- with a relationship -- but this time, with myself.  I am in a relationship with myself.  In fact, I think it would be safe to say that I actually love myself.  Yes, myself, a woman of many weaknesses.  Yes, I love myself, but not because I am a perfect person.  I also loved my summer in Mexico, but just to make it abundantly clear: Mexico, like me, was not perfect.

I Pledge Allegiance to My Soul

Yesterday I went for a run.  I really enjoy running....it motivates me to get out and move my body, to experience this beautiful Utah landscape, and to just breathe.  Running has been a favorite activity of mine since junior high, but when I got into college I got a lot more into it.  I started signing up for races, and now, four years later, I have completed four half marathons along with a number of 5Ks and 10Ks.  I absolutely love running....and I wish my relationship with running stopped there.  I wish my running experience was always as pure and innocent and filled with joy as that....moving, breathing, seeing, being...  but it's not, because, along with my love, there is a struggle.  I believe my running experience would be pure and innocent and wonderful if I loved my body without reserve...but I'm not quite there yet. Sometimes, when I run, there is a little devil on my shoulder telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not thin enough, and if I run faster and harder and longer, maybe one day I will be that girl who is worthy of my own self-loving.  And sometimes that little devil is the one that gets me out the door....not my love of the sport.  So yesterday while I was running, my shoulder devil was talking to me about my body...and he wasn't saying nice things.  And then, out of nowhere, I had a realization come to my mind that silenced him and returned me to love again.  I glanced down at my legs as they ran, and witnessed them move back and forth, back and forth.  I felt the effort that it took to move, I saw the way they ran on and on...right, left, right, left, and then I felt how my lungs kept breathing in and out, in and out, and as my perception shifted in that moment, I realized how incredibly precious I am, and how incredibly precious this body is that I've been given.  How could I ever listen to that bad body image devil on my shoulder?  How could I ever let him tell me how to feel about my body, when my body is doing and breathing and moving and creating for me all the time, every day, just yearning for my love?  I felt so much love in that moment.  I loved my body in that moment.  I'm pretty sure I said "thank you" out loud, because I felt so much indescribable gratitude for everything my body does for me, for all of the steps my legs have taken, and all of the sweat and blood and tears that my body has been through to get me to this point in my life. "Thank you, body", I said it, and I felt it.

This morning in yoga, my teacher Julie Branham talked about the concept of "pledging allegiance to our soul".  I believe that the soul is the spirit and the body united together to create a human being, and so for me, to pledge allegiance to my soul means that I pledge allegiance to my spirit and my body.  I've already talked about my experience running... my physical experience....but in a lot of ways my spiritual experience here on earth has been much the same.....I'm running, I'm trying, and I'm too often listening to those voices that tell me I have to run farther and run harder in order to be deserving of my self-love.  This is not true spiritually just as it is not true physically.  I am deserving of my love right now, exactly how I am, with all of my imperfections and flaws, and with all of the distance I have left to cover, both physically and spiritually.  I know that my Savior loves me exactly how I am, and I think it is just about time that I follow His example in this area of my life, and learn to love myself as well, imperfect as I am.  

So today I want to pledge allegiance to my soul.  The definition of allegiance is loyalty or commitment to a cause.   I want to pledge loyalty and commitment to the cause of my soul.....and loyalty means to love and stand by something or someone.  I want to love and stand by myself.... and I want all women to love and stand by themselves.  When we constantly nit-pick, when we focus on negative things (a lot of which aren't even true), and when we listen to those little devils on our shoulders, we are not exercising allegiance to the cause of our souls.  I know that overcoming body image issues (or spiritual image issues!) takes time, but I believe that if we continue to live in gratitude and love, it can eventually happen.  I pray one day that my experience will return to the pure innocence and joy of a child.....the doing, the breathing, the being, the seeing, the growing, and the learning.....without any negative thought towards myself...and you know what? I fully believe that this prayer of mine will be realized some day.  I believe that through consistently applying the atonement in my life, and through consistently allowing God's love to fill my soul, little by little, I will become more and more childlike.  That is the cause of my soul, and that is the reason I move, and so today I am choosing to pledge allegiance to my soul.


Love to All,

Kris

Over and Over and Over Again.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go help my Aunt Julie in her 2nd grade classroom, and it was hilarious.  The kids had so many funny things to say, and I couldn't stop smiling.  One particular situation really struck me, though, and this one wasn't funny, it was actually a really tender moment.  One little girl, we'll call her Brooke, was feeling distraught over the math problems she was asked to do, because she didn't know how.  She walked up to my Aunt Julie and asked for help through tears.  She could barely stay calm,because these math problems were just way too much for her to handle.  Julie could have responded in a variety of different ways...after a long day of asking seven-year-olds to stop jumping around, stop yelling out random things, and to please do their work, over and over and over again, she could have easily responded in frustration to this bundle of tears who obviously did not need to be crying.  Instead, my Aunt took this sweet little girl close to her and said, "Brooke, do you remember what you said to me the other day?" (Referring to a previous conversation which I wasn't a part of).  Brooke mumbled a "yes" through her tears, "I said that I knew that you would help me whenever I needed it."  Julie, "How many times will I help you, Brooke?" Brooke, "As many times as I need it", Julie, "That's right, honey, I'm going to help you over and over and over again, for as many times as you need it, and so you don't need to cry".  This experience really impressed me, because I was just amazed at the love and patience that my Aunt showed towards this child.  What an incredible teacher!

This morning I called my mom crying.  When I want to complain about my life, my mom is often my "go-to"..... poor thing.  So I told her everything that's bad or sad about my current situation, and I just melted in to a bundle of tears.  Sometimes my mom just lets me cry, as good moms do, but today was different.  Today mom told me in a gentle way that I needed to stop crying.  She told me that everything will be okay and that I really needed to choose to have hope.  Then she said the thing that hit me most....she knew about the situation with Julie and Brooke, and she said, "Kristy, can't you hear Heavenly Father saying the same to you?  Don't you know that he is going to help you over and over and over again?  Because He has and He will."  With this, my tears ended.  I realized that at times I choose to be the sobbing child in the classroom...I get so focused on the math problems not making sense that I forget that I have a wonderful, compassionate, and merciful God for a teacher, who is going to do everything he can to teach me and help me to grow and thrive as his child and as his student.

In 3 Nephi 10:4 Christ says, "How oft have I gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and have nourished you.", referring to the many times he had been merciful to them.  He goes on to say, "How oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens, and ye would not.", referring to the times when He desired to comfort and help them, but they would not let Him.  Lastly, He turns to the righteous, those that are willing to receive Him, and says, "How oft will I gather you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, if ye will repent and return unto me with full purpose of heart".  At this point in The Book of Mormon, the Nephites had just been through some horrific trials.  They had just lived through "tempests, earthquakes, fires, whirlwinds, and physical upheavals....many people were destroyed...darkness covered the land for three days" (3 Nephi 8 chapter heading).  So here they are, they've been in complete darkness for days now...they've lost people they love, and their homes and cities are destroyed.  If that couldn't make you feel hopeless, I don't know what could.  So I believe that Christ was trying to give these people hope here.  So in reviewing these three lines, I feel like maybe what Christ was trying to say is that having hope requires acknowledging the times God has helped us in our lives in the past, repenting of the times we haven't let Him help us, and looking to the future in confidence, knowing that He will help us......over, and over, and over again.

Thanks for reading!

Love to All,

Kris

P.S. I am not trying to suggest that a good cry isn't ever necessary....I cry all the time, and I don't feel one ounce of guilt or shame over that.  Mourning things in life is something that is part of the process....mourning things teaches us what it means to suffer, and suffering makes us so much more grateful for the good times. There has to be opposition in all things, as the scriptures tell us...so when the hard times come, let them come...but the lesson I learned and which I am trying to convey today is that no matter how hard life gets, you should never lose hope!

Stickerless

I am someone who likes to think.  I really like to think and I really like to talk and write about what I think, and because I have been told that Facebook is not always the most appropriate outlet for my deepest thoughts and feelings, I have decided to create a new outlet.  So here it is, my blog.  I intend to write about whatever is on my mind....which will usually be things like relationships, philosophy, religion, and just thoughts about life in general.  The first thing I want to write about is the name I chose for my blog, "Stickerless".  My inspiration for this name comes from a children's book which really means a lot to me.  The book is called "You Are Special" and is written by Max Lucado.  If you have never read this book, I highly encourage you to find it and read it.  The message has the potential to change your life.

The story begins in a village of little wooden people called Wemmicks.  This village is located at the bottom of the hill where their creator, Eli lives.  All day every day, the Wemmicks run around giving each other stickers.  They give stars to other Wemmicks they admire....the talented, the beautiful, the intelligent....and dots to those they do not.  Some of the Wemmicks are not admired for anything, and because of this, they receive many dots.  One such Wemmick is a Wemmick by the name of Punchinello.  Because he is not talented, beautiful, intelligent, or anything else worth admiring, all that he has are dots, and because of this he becomes very ashamed of who he is.  He begins to believe that he is not good and so he doesn't go out as much anymore, and when he does he only spends time with other Wemmicks with lots of dots, because it makes him feel better about himself.  One day he meets an unusual girl.  This girl does not have any dots or stars, and Punchinello wonders why.  When he asks her, she says, "It's easy, every day I go and see Eli!".  She then encourages Punchinello to go and visit Eli himself, and to find out for himself why she is stickerless.
When Punchinello first walks in to the woodshop, everything is so much bigger than he is that he becomes intimidated and scared, so he decides he cannot stay.  As he turns to leave, though, Eli calls him by name and tells him how glad he is to see him.  They then begin a conversation that has the potential  to change Punchinello's life forever.  This conversation is one in which the creator (Eli) informs Punchinello that none of those other opinions matter....absolutely nothing that the Wemmicks think or say or do about him matters.  All that matters, really, is what Eli thinks of Punchinello.  He taught Punchinello that,"The stickers only stick if they matter to you....the more you trust my love, the less you care about the stickers".  He told Punchinello that letting go of all of his stickers would take time, but he said, "For now, just come to see me every day, and let me remind you of how much I care".

I named my blog "stickerless" because my goal is to let go of my own personal stickers.  Everyone has things which we define ourselves by -- both good and bad.  We define ourselves by our majors, by our careers, by our interests, by our talents, by our frienships, by our looks, by our intelligence.  We like to go around saying things like, "I'm a student", "I'm a mom", "I'm a good friend", "I'm a this", and "I'm a that", and I think we like to do that because it's comforting.  It's comforting to paint ourselves into a corner and define ourselves narrowly because with our finite minds it is so hard for us to comprehend the infinite possibilities of our potential....so instead we cling on to shallow images of things which we think we'd like to be, and in the process we often lose sight of the fact that we are already magnificent. All I want to do is learn to be genuine and true to who I really am -- and because of my own experience in my creator's "wood shop", I know that who I really am is a daughter of God, who was created by His hand, and because of that, I am special.  As my life goes on, I pray that I will learn to trust in my Creator's love to the point where the opinions and labels which others may give me, and which I may give myself, will no longer matter.  I want to walk through life unashamed of who I am because of whose I am.....and this, my friends, is what I call being "stickerless".