Now, when I say that I love Mexico, and that I love living in Mexico, it is not the same kind of unadulterated love that I have for, say, sunshine and baby animals and Christmas morning. The kind of love I have for Mexico is more close to the kind of love you develop in real relationships...the kind of love that is born out of sacrifice, hard work, and growing pains. Despite what my Instagram posts may suggest, my summer in Mexico has not simply been a summer of practicing yoga on the beach, swimming with whale sharks, and posing for pictures with darling ninos. It was not a blissful three months where everything was easy and nobody cried and everyone laughed and loved and sang along to the Mexican music together. No....my summer in Mexico was a summer of growth. And as with all growing experiences or relationships, it was not without struggle. There were nights when I cried (yes, like a small child) because I missed my family and friends. There were days when I lost my patience (I did, I lost it) with the group of ninos who I grew to love but who were, I must say it, some very, very naught ninos. Adjusting to a new culture was not easy, and adjusting to the bacteria of a new country was hard on my body and I got sick more than normal. In my life I have learned that when we sacrifice and work for something, that something means more to us, and because of this, Mexico (or, more accurately, the people of Mexico) mean much more to me now than it did three months ago. So, yes, I love Mexico, but not because my summer in Mexico was perfect.
Speaking of perfection, that is something I learned a lot about this summer.....okay maybe what I mean to say is that I learned a lot about imperfection....and to be more specific...my imperfection (gasp!). Yes, it is true, in the pressure cooker of what was my summer in Mexico, there were many situations where I made mistakes. I made mistakes. Ouch, that hurts to say, doesn't it? Or is it just me? Am I the only person out there who has a distaste for that little part of life called "facing my weakness"? I'll admit it, it is just not one of my favorite past times. I don't like to make a habit of sitting down with Kristy and taking inventory of all of the ways that I fall short and all of the ways that I don't completely fulfill my potential here on earth. And yet, Mexico gave me ample opportunity to do just that. In fact, it wasn't really a matter of choice, life just kind of made my weaknesses a lot more obvious to me over those three months. It was as if life took me by the shoulders, guided me to a full length, magnified mirror, and said, "Look! Behold, your humanity!!".
One of the things that I learned about myself this summer is that I am a very loud person. Now I kind of knew this before, but like I said, Mexico had a way of making these sorts of things very obvious to me, and while I am not sure if this particular quality is a weakness or a strength, or some weird mixture of both, it is nevertheless very true about me. I am loud. It is true. I speak loudly, I sing loudly, I laugh loudly. Along with that, I have recently found that when I mess up, I mess up loudly. Part of me wishes that I could be the sort of person who would trip and fall flat on her face, but then get up and keep walking as if nothing had happened, stone-faced and therefore dissipating any more attention than had already been drawn to her blunder. No, that is not me. I am the girl that falls on her face and precedes to stand back up and yell out, "Hey! Holy COW! I just fell flat on my face! Did you SEE that??" And then laughs (loudly) about it afterward. I don't know, maybe this blog post is me yelling out again, but regardless, I feel compelled to post this. And maybe it's another weakness of mine, but communicating with other people about my experiences is the number one way I get through things. I make sound.
So, here it is. This is me telling you that I'm not perfect. I am not a perfect person, I am not a perfect travel buddy, I am not a perfect roommate, I am not a perfect teacher of English to naughty ninos. I am just not. I am flawed. I am oh so very flawed. Sometimes I yell when I get mad and sometimes I laugh when I should cry (or cry when I should laugh). Sometimes people don't enjoy being around me, and sometimes with good cause. Sometimes I do not look pretty. Sometimes the camera catches my thighs at just the right angle and I look obese. Sometimes I get pimples, and sometimes I don't shower. Sometimes I swear. Sometimes I do not immediately forgive. And sometimes I do not feel like doing one. Damn. Thing. So, sometimes I mindlessly scroll through social media for hours. The funny thing about all this is that all of these sins I am confessing are not particularly bad....they are, however, particularly human. It's as if my perfectionistic ways (perfectionism is yet another, but hopefully soon to be former, weakness of mine) were keeping my head in the clouds, and Mexico pulled me back down to earth. (Bumping into somebody). "Oh! Hello! Are you human, too? Is this what earth feels like beneath my feet? Oh, you mean perfectionism had my head in the clouds? Wow. Things are so much clearer down here, with my weaknesses." And what a glorious summer it has been....precisely because it has not been perfect, and because I have not been perfect. Having these realizations this summer brought me to that place to which all of us have been, where I become keenly aware of just how pathetic my current state is, and just how greatly I need my God. This summer humbled me. And of course, this is what Christ was talking about when He asked us to offer "a broken heart and a contrite spirit" instead of animal sacrifices. I know a little bit more of what He meant by that now, after my summer in Mexico. My heart was literally broken by the reality of just how human I am...just how not good I am, without Him. And in this place of desperation, I sought Him more earnestly, I read my scriptures more frequently, and as a result I felt His spirit more fully.
I suppose I will conclude how I began -- with a relationship -- but this time, with myself. I am in a relationship with myself. In fact, I think it would be safe to say that I actually love myself. Yes, myself, a woman of many weaknesses. Yes, I love myself, but not because I am a perfect person. I also loved my summer in Mexico, but just to make it abundantly clear: Mexico, like me, was not perfect.
What a great blog! Thanks for sharing your feelings and for being you. I love ya Kristy Scott. Just the way you are and for the person you will become.
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