Yesterday I went for a run. I really enjoy running....it motivates me to get out and move my body, to experience this beautiful Utah landscape, and to just breathe. Running has been a favorite activity of mine since junior high, but when I got into college I got a lot more into it. I started signing up for races, and now, four years later, I have completed four half marathons along with a number of 5Ks and 10Ks. I absolutely love running....and I wish my relationship with running stopped there. I wish my running experience was always as pure and innocent and filled with joy as that....moving, breathing, seeing, being... but it's not, because, along with my love, there is a struggle. I believe my running experience would be pure and innocent and wonderful if I loved my body without reserve...but I'm not quite there yet. Sometimes, when I run, there is a little devil on my shoulder telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not thin enough, and if I run faster and harder and longer, maybe one day I will be that girl who is worthy of my own self-loving. And sometimes that little devil is the one that gets me out the door....not my love of the sport. So yesterday while I was running, my shoulder devil was talking to me about my body...and he wasn't saying nice things. And then, out of nowhere, I had a realization come to my mind that silenced him and returned me to love again. I glanced down at my legs as they ran, and witnessed them move back and forth, back and forth. I felt the effort that it took to move, I saw the way they ran on and on...right, left, right, left, and then I felt how my lungs kept breathing in and out, in and out, and as my perception shifted in that moment, I realized how incredibly precious I am, and how incredibly precious this body is that I've been given. How could I ever listen to that bad body image devil on my shoulder? How could I ever let him tell me how to feel about my body, when my body is doing and breathing and moving and creating for me all the time, every day, just yearning for my love? I felt so much love in that moment. I loved my body in that moment. I'm pretty sure I said "thank you" out loud, because I felt so much indescribable gratitude for everything my body does for me, for all of the steps my legs have taken, and all of the sweat and blood and tears that my body has been through to get me to this point in my life. "Thank you, body", I said it, and I felt it.
This morning in yoga, my teacher Julie Branham talked about the concept of "pledging allegiance to our soul". I believe that the soul is the spirit and the body united together to create a human being, and so for me, to pledge allegiance to my soul means that I pledge allegiance to my spirit and my body. I've already talked about my experience running... my physical experience....but in a lot of ways my spiritual experience here on earth has been much the same.....I'm running, I'm trying, and I'm too often listening to those voices that tell me I have to run farther and run harder in order to be deserving of my self-love. This is not true spiritually just as it is not true physically. I am deserving of my love right now, exactly how I am, with all of my imperfections and flaws, and with all of the distance I have left to cover, both physically and spiritually. I know that my Savior loves me exactly how I am, and I think it is just about time that I follow His example in this area of my life, and learn to love myself as well, imperfect as I am.
So today I want to pledge allegiance to my soul. The definition of allegiance is loyalty or commitment to a cause. I want to pledge loyalty and commitment to the cause of my soul.....and loyalty means to love and stand by something or someone. I want to love and stand by myself.... and I want all women to love and stand by themselves. When we constantly nit-pick, when we focus on negative things (a lot of which aren't even true), and when we listen to those little devils on our shoulders, we are not exercising allegiance to the cause of our souls. I know that overcoming body image issues (or spiritual image issues!) takes time, but I believe that if we continue to live in gratitude and love, it can eventually happen. I pray one day that my experience will return to the pure innocence and joy of a child.....the doing, the breathing, the being, the seeing, the growing, and the learning.....without any negative thought towards myself...and you know what? I fully believe that this prayer of mine will be realized some day. I believe that through consistently applying the atonement in my life, and through consistently allowing God's love to fill my soul, little by little, I will become more and more childlike. That is the cause of my soul, and that is the reason I move, and so today I am choosing to pledge allegiance to my soul.
Love to All,
Kris
